A tiny speck of dust,
Glinting, squinting –
Floating serenely over the black fuzz that stretches into the mind’s eye,
Coating every inch of pathway with thought and wonder.
How might one meander such uncertainty?
Surely I cannot just plant one foot in front of the other so simply?
What if cartoon crocodiles climb out of the path and engulf my light?
If there were such things I may need to hibernate.
Finally I shall follow the dancing lint,
They are odd but they are also light among a dark horizon,
Full of lies but my eyes are tainted and prone to organize,
Not like yours that glimmer with a million futures.
Seven stepping-stones reach from home,
It’s not what you think and it’s not where I left,
I’ll be fine from here, you see that tree? I know it, I know my way now.
I’ve never been here but somehow I have.
The pelting gems of superior melt silence abruptly,
Yet also with such tenderness I could have sworn it was my own heartbeat.
Voices poke through the dark sheet of stillness,
Pausing only for the acceptance of my own presence,
They remind me what I already know.
It’s as if I can see my life in fast forward,
But what is up is also down with round bits escaping the abyss,
Hesitating only to look back in soft remembrance,
Even the pain was right. Especially the pain was life.
The rise in light lifting up what already felt right,
What already felt home,
What already felt bold.
I am not sorry for your confusion,
I am sorry you do not know yourself,
And care more about your interpretation of me.
Your “simple” suggestions, as you like to call them, fall around me,
They drift softly to the ground and melt before my feet,
My aura illuminates the hostile home in which you hoped I’d freeze.
All was supposed:
That which cared for,
That which loved,
That which only was doing the best for.
Now I feel the ice crackling under my weight as I march into the night,
Staring at the wild wind whipping rouge,
The bright-eyed glimmer stealing full moon powers,
Gripping mittens release their hold,
Venturing further into the mystic,
Encountering an awe of both delight & peace.
The sticking snow reveals paths taken,
Of light & dark,
Love & pain,
Young & old.
But “simply” suggesting I know nothing shows the nothing you so simply desire,
For never have you sought to understand anything but what you hoped to find.
I think we’ve all had this self critical moment more than once.
Your mind, comfortably resting behind your physical reality cowardly claims, My oh my, the way you’re living is shifting you backwards instead of ahead! If this has never happened then you are one lucky bastard.
I am here today to rescue these minds, myself included.
Self criticism has to come from somewhere and I find the most common place is expectation. Whether it be familial, social, societal…or any other ‘ial’ or ‘tal’ you can think of. Why do you feel like you are not moving forward? Who defines what ‘moving forward’ looks like? The education board? The medical school who finally accepted you in? Your parents giving a nod of approval? Whoever it is has conditioned you to feel satisfied inside, giving you a personalized sensation of success and progression.
To clarify, I’m not trying to dismiss individual beliefs of success; that one is better than another. My intention is to communicate my own experience of internal victory and distress. My point being: I believe external expectations did and still do (thanks to conditioning) impact my understanding of self success and what it means to ‘move forward’. I battle between my own gut beliefs (aka. intuition) and those that were imposed upon me from such a young age. It used to be difficult to differentiate between the two but learned awareness and mindfulness have saved me from a lifetime of self doubt and unhappiness.
If you ‘wasted’ years of your life in one job just to discover you hate the path you’ve taken and yearn for something else, readjust the way you think about this decision and the steps that led you there. You haven’t wasted any time my friend!! You’ve gained skills, friendships, experiences and a diverse understanding of yourself through the journey. This creates NEW realizations, DIFFERENT directions and BOLD movements. All the while you are growing as you believe you’re ‘moving backwards’.
Embrace your position. Extract your lesson learned. And Enjoy moving forward, because no matter whether others think you aren’t, you are. It’s not easy that’s for sure, it takes practice so be kind to yourself. Self criticism is a rough enemy to defeat.
My sister shared a simple yet helpful tidbit with me that was passed onto her: You are where you’re supposed to be. Exactly.
Side Note: This post was not to encourage people to sit on their dreams, motionless, and accept their fate as it is. But rather to stimulate self acceptance and allow room for self love to blossom.